Detaching from Passive Aggressive Behaviour

The spotlight on Passive Aggressive behaviour has exploded in recent years. With numerous articles, podcasts, and information providing tools & tips to recognise typical behaviour patterns.

However, it can be a complex and diverse behaviour to recognise, compounded by self-doubt and guilt.

We can tie ourselves up in mental knots, replaying conversations, actions, and situations in an attempt to gain clarity.

Thoughts may replay in our minds, such as:

Why do I feel more confused, upset, or frustrated when I try to discuss this with the other person?
Why does it feel like a disagreement is primarily my fault?
Whatever I say seems to be distorted or misunderstood.
I feel like I'm going crazy.

How does passive-aggressive behaviour manifest?

Usually in the form of comments or actions designed to unsettle or invoke a predominantly adverse reaction.

Why? A persistent passive-aggressive gains a sense of power or dominance from this type of behaviour or interaction.

Unable to express healthy anger, passive-aggressive individuals, project covert subtle anger onto others, purposefully invoking strong reactions from the receiver, whilst simultaneously appearing 'blame free'.

How?

Inconsistency - Assurances do not match actions
Indifference - Unresponsive, apathetic, forgetful, procrastination, withholding
Denial - Feigned misunderstanding, contradictions, confusion
Accountability - Identifying circumvention tactics

What can we do to protect ourselves?

Non-engagement or participation in provocation
Use neutral unemotive language
Specify concise requests or actions to be taken
Identify the pattern
Accountability awareness
Rinse and repeat method

Whilst there are many nuances to narcissistic behaviour. These behaviours fall under the umbrella of being either covert or overt.

From personal research and direct experience, there appears to be a correlation between passive aggression and what happens in early childhood development. This in no way excuses such behaviour; instead, it suggests something has broken off or fragmented within the psyche of this personality theme.

Covert: subtle, hidden, veiled comments or actions which are often hard to prove but leave us feeling disquiet, uncertain, and confused as to the meaning. Despite sensing an atmosphere, this will invariably be denied through silent treatment or denial of a problem. Subtle sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and comparisons create conflicting messages of unease and uncertainty.

Overt: apparent, evident, blatant comments or actions in the form of hostility, argumentative, blaming, or controlling tactics to dominate situations with an over-inflated sense of entitlement or superiority.

Personal awareness sets the occasional narcissistic behaviour apart from a persistent narcissist—the willingness to take responsibility for these traits within our psyche.

To take a poor analogy - The 5-year-old child who pulls your hair in the playground may secretly quite like you. It's perhaps a defensive, distorted form of seeking connection. Left unchecked or unresolved in childhood, narcissistic behaviour can develop into subtler, more insidious forms of manipulation.

Insidious? How? In as much as just enough is said or done to invoke a reaction whilst ensuring the narcissist remains relatively flawless. If challenged, the narcissist will imply that we are overreacting or being too sensitive, also known as gaslighting in its extreme form.

How do we identify simple misunderstandings with persistent narcissistic behaviour?

A repetitive pattern will begin to emerge. Here are just a few examples:

Feeling provoked or triggered by comments designed to directly or indirectly hurt you
When you raise a concern, there's an unwillingness to take responsibility
Deflect & project, i.e. you're being oversensitive or overreacting
Needing to control people, situations or events
What's said and what's done often conflict
You leave their company feeling uneasy, unsettled, flat, confused, or angry

PA behaviour seems counterintuitive to our nature of desiring healthy connections with others. The inability to connect in any other way than through negative, often destructive behaviour suggests a level of inner wrestling or struggle within the PA's subconscious.

Rather than address the internal struggle, the narcissist is unwilling to recognise or take responsibility for projecting their internal battle onto others. The narcissist attempts to draw us into their recognised or unrecognised behaviour patterns, hoping we'll grab the bait. Even if the behaviour is identified, it's often ignored or projected back onto the other person.

How do you handle PA personality types? (Mental script notes can be found below.)

1) Resist reacting - Non-engagement

If we react, we become drawn into the game.

We naturally want to defend ourselves when confronted with provoking, negative behaviour. With a systematic PA, they often project or transfer their inner discomfort through hurtful comments or unkind actions to avoid feeling the turmoil within themselves.

Non-reaction is often the hardest thing to do but can be one the quickest ways to ensure they lose interest. Non-reaction does not, however, mean passively tolerating such behaviour.

2) Generic response/s - Simple - Clear - Concise

PA behaviour often thrives on the use of language, ranging from mildly annoying comments or actions to deeply hurtful behaviours, to elicit an adverse reaction from you. Using simple, clear, concise, and ideally unemotional language establishes boundaries and conveys that you are in control and will not be drawn into reactive conversation.

3) Repetition

A generic response may be enough for the PA to lose interest. However, more extreme types may see this as a challenge and up the game with further tactics to draw you in. This is where repetition is key! Repetition becomes empowering for you and boring for them. As tough as it can be, sticking to a script repeating the same generic response demonstrates our resilience not to be drawn into the drama. As the PA becomes aware you're wise to the game and will not take their bait, they may become disinterested and move on. However, with persistent bullying, please always seek further advice and support.

PA Mental Script

We can often feel emotionally blindsided by negative comments. It can help to have a mentally rehearsed script, so we're taken less off guard, incorporating the following:

1) Non-reaction
2) Polite non-committal response
3) Create space/time to assess the situation
4) Repeat the above where appropriate

Example:

(PA): You're looking tired again, another late night? (Provoking, making assumptions)
(You): Thank you for your observation/comments - (Polite but noncommittal or engagement)
(PA): So what were you up to? (Privacy intrusion)
(You): Thank you again for inquiring & concern. I'm well, thank you. (acknowledges you've seen the repetitive pattern)
(PA): You're so secretive! (Projecting/reaction inducing)
(You): Again, thank you for your concern. I can't stop. Have a good day. (Clear non-engagement in dialogue. Establishes more explicit boundaries in how much time you are willing to spend with this person)

As previously mentioned, extreme forms of PA behaviour require minimal contact. For further information and guidance, please check the links below:

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